Oof, I have been putting off writing this journal all week...
So basically... Despite your guy's tremendous and generous help, I still managed to back myself into a financial corner, and left myself with few options so...
Yeah, I'm moving back in with my parents today, and back into all that toxicity I worked so hard to get away from and wasting all that money that was donated to get me out of there in the first place.
Yay.
More specifically, when I say that I backed myself into a corner, what I really mean is me and my depression fell into an arguably all-time low. I would kinda rather not say this--as it's definitely going to worry some people--but to be honest, I've been struggling to get out of bed for the last...month? Yeah, month. Wait, no...oof, either two or three months. I can't remember what exactly happened in December? But anyways, it's been a while. And by "struggling to get out of bed", I mean that I'd only managed to drag myself out of bed
maybe two times a day. Once to go to the bathroom and feed the cats, and maybe once to eat--if I could bother myself to prep food.
I know, not exactly a healthy lifestyle. But I keep getting stuck in the mentality of "why bother?" and "what's the point?". Of course I know
why I should get up--I should clean the apartment, take care of trash, clean dishes, apply to jobs, respond to voicemails for possible job interviews, play with the cats, eat food, take a damn shower, draw all that crap ton of owed art, socialize, go to therapy, and so on--but logic rarely makes an impact on a mind saturated with mental illness...
I can't keep begging for money when I won't friggin' do anything about my situation, so despite myself, I've decided it's best to just face the consequences and go back to the Land Without Wifi, aha.
Mom's at least
trying understand, and her focus isn't going to be on me getting a job, it's getting me back to at least functioning (a.k.a. focus on finding and regularly going to therapy again). So there's that at least. Though knowing her, plus being around my depressed dad, plus my little sister and I rubbing off on each other...I can't say I'm too optimistic about my improvement anytime soon.
What all this means for you guys is...well, not much, actually.
My activity will still probably be pretty low--what with only having Verizon data to access the internet (and lack of motivation to interact with people)--and art is...well, I've basically been on an unofficial hiatus I guess?????
I am so,
so sorry for not getting any owed art done--especially to you patient folks from Your Story OCT who've been waiting for absolute ages. Honestly, I haven't even touched my art tablet in who knows how long. I swear I'm not being like "lol yay I got money time to ignore the art part". I
will get them done.
EvenifI'manoldfogeybythetimeIdoOh right, uh, speaking of the OCT...there probably won't be a season 2. Not because of this, but because it doesn't look like very many people are interested. Sorry for giving up the hopes of the 18 or so people that were interested. ^^'
Side note, in case anyone asks... Erm, no I...don't really want to talk about things with anyone here. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just that I've noticed how infectious depression is. When someone continuously vents about negative things to people, those negative feelings start rubbing off on them. Please don't give me that "I don't care" crap. I appreciate you guys wanting to help, but people's minds are only built to take in so much stress, and you guys are pretty freakin' stressed as it is without my help.
But um... Yeah, that's my life update, I guess. Sorry that it's so...well, depressing, haha. c':
If you got to this point, thanks for taking the time to read this sad sap of a story, lol. I really do appreciate it. c:
Have a nice day, regardless. <3